One of the most important things I have ever learned is that while we can’t directly choose our feelings, we have far more influence over them than most people realise.
Many people spend years waiting to feel motivated, happy, calm or confident before they take action, unfortunately that usually meant they kept waiting.
Our behaviour is driven by four inseparable parts: our thinking, our acting, our feelings and our physiology.
They constantly influence one another, but we don’t have direct control over all of them.
The interesting thing is that while we have very little direct control over our feelings or our physiology, we have considerable control over our thinking and through our thoughts the actions we choose.
Think about the last time you were anxious.
Your heart may have raced, your breathing became shallow, your muscles tightened and your stomach felt uncomfortable.
Those physical reactions felt automatic because they largely were, yet they were directly linked to what you were thinking and what you were doing.
If your thoughts were telling you that something terrible was about to happen, your body responded as though the danger was real.
Modern neuroscience shows that our brain constantly predicts what is coming next.
When it predicts threat, it prepares the body for survival by releasing stress hormones, increasing our heart rate and making us more alert.
It is an amazing system designed to protect us, but it can respond to perceived dangers just as strongly as real ones.
The good news is that the reverse is also true.
If we deliberately change our thinking and our behaviour, our feelings and our physiology will begin to change as well.
Taking a slow walk, standing a little taller, smiling, breathing deeply or engaging in meaningful conversation may not instantly solve the problem, but these actions will send a very different message to the brain and body.
Replacing catastrophic thinking with realistic, balanced thinking reduces the need for the body to remain on high alert.
We are not pretending everything is wonderful and we are not using positive affirmations we don’t really believe.
We are simply choosing thoughts that are more accurate and more helpful.
This explains why waiting until we feel like exercising, apologising, making that phone call or tackling an important task is not very successful.
Action comes before motivation, not after it.
Every small positive action gives the brain new evidence that we are capable human beings, so our confidence and motivation gradually grows.
The same principle applies to our relationships.
If we choose behaviours such as listening, encouraging, respecting and supporting others, we often notice that our own feelings begin to soften. Our bodies become less tense, our thinking becomes clearer and our relationships become more satisfying.
None of this suggests we should ignore sadness, grief or fear.
Those emotions have an important place in our lives and are signals that we should pay attention and take action.
We need to remember that we are not powerless passengers simply hoping our feelings improve.
By taking responsibility for what we think and what we do, we create the greatest opportunity for our feelings and our physical wellbeing to move in a healthier more satisfying direction.
This is one of the greatest learnings in life. We cannot always choose how we feel in the moment, but we can always choose our next thought and our next action.
Take charge of your thoughts, choose your actions wisely and put them into practice and your feelings and physiology will eventually catch up.
